Note To Self: The things i thought i'll never say.

17th jan, 12am- 04:10, “NIGHTSHIFT ”

Status: I’ve always been on the comp lately, so much shit to do, waiting on mails to finish
my work of at the same time, and there it was  , memories. but Naaa- enough of it, some things
just don’t benefit... so this is for all… I  wrote this one night b4 bed, its funny coz it felt
like a whole day worth of night time- u know what it’s like then, curtain closed, just eased...

I’m writing this, all based on my first reaction/ feeling/ thoughts/mood …
just everything I am now, without thinking, instinctive, blindfolded, real...
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Its time for everything to spill, like we’d die tomorrow, or more like I”D DIE
TOMMORROW , coz we don’t need this shit =) Make it all simple… complication
is my shit, it’s my fault for getting you involved and not facing my own mirror in
the first place, but instead I fished myself what’s in the mirror, hah! you.

At this point in time, u might feel unease in some way, or you might find it all flying
too quick like “did I miss something”, or maybe it’s funny somehow, but this is how
I work, self realization- slap in the face and boom, commit this new and re-written
system/rule book of mine, at the same time still my conscious self….


Real shit drives people crazy... even when it seemed superficial.

There’s love, and there’s all kinds too right? you thought me different.
This is good. Cause there’s respect, least from me to you. Cause I understand.

There’s always one stage  where I’d be afraid to get too close, like one
day I’ll be fed by it, and that inner Grr will come out and slap my realization
awake- but I knew as a person I’ve always appreciated detail… some that
will matter more than the louder/practical stuff. Voice or to seconds worth
of that face, or even a flash from a mental picture… ‘d be enough...


 Despite all, uncertainty will always be there, most women feel hopeless when
shit goes down, but the make believable shit is still there no matter how hysterical
they are , but don’t u realize that sometimes, we just won’t know. Like we can only
do this much, try this hard, lie so far, know this much and finally, we can only see this far.
So whatever happens to you, all would be “scripted” (as much as you think that’s how
all goes down) , the least it’d be scripted beautifully, despite all… don’t let future outcomes
effect present welfare. 

I always thought about this. If I were to die the next day, what would be a way to feel no
regrets or knew not to question the “should of’s”? Well, Just being content and sufficient
in the [chest thing/hrt], was enough. … just being able to know or feel everything is possible
fills in my gap. I’m happy having answers. Even if it wasn’t true to some people, its allllllllll
in the head, cause its hard to tell you something you don’t know about yourself, vice versa.


we’re us, in a situation where there’s the :  “have to” and “the want to”. One involves walls, power
and the do or die [Yea that’s what it feels like] ; the other is the pure you that can fly, but you’re chained to how far you can go. [ so much for  self expression]. Maybe That’s why we change, based on situations… maybe it’s just me but it feels like, u can’t pick the “want” over the “have to”, like it’s a responsibility one cant strip, u block the “want” to finish your duty, you let the walls do the dirty work (hide u?) but to the “FUCKING guards/expectations” they called it “protection for the greater good”, in the mean time the “ wants” are nothing but shadows, or only seemed: impossible?WELL I FIGURED THAT OUT and think that THAT’S FKING BULLLLLLLLLLLLLSHITTTTTTT.

Situation: one day, realization hit, Meredith came back out, to ditch Michelle’s wants. 5 words:”cant afford to have you)” screamed. Shit went down. Meredith is the warning to when I feel  like I’m falling into something real, she thinks it’s a trap, but it’s actually a beautiful thing,, but of coz Meredith won. She did too much to throw her work away. Work as in “how I am today” or “what they’ve made me become”.  So is that what it’s like when something pretty happens? They snap you out of it?

when I said shit went down, I almost lost it, lost someone- Kicking and screaming shit. 

But you know what. I told em,” I’m not going to change.” As in I’ll always do what I do, no matter how much I hate it, I still have to, but the mentality just have to alter, it has to. So if I, both Meredith/Michelle can be two at once, so maybe I can do anything anytime…
coz my actions  is only within my control, tell them!

 : “they either take everything away or watch me die trying, either way it’s their lost. They only chose me coz they know I’ll do best, or perhaps, as ugly as it sounds- theres no one else left but me, best for the role”.

i like to see it as I’m doing them a long favor, you can too =) - like I’m the most patient person ever live , I’d LOVE to call it-“pity duty”, maybe that way I can keep on better:P  coz THEY FUCKING SUCK, but anyway ; no, it’s not the fact but like I said it’s all in the head, findin own ways to keep on. [ Everything is exaggerated in case u haven’t noticed, but it feels good, yeah it does do its deed in picking shit up, stacking em firmer AND MAKING IT FEEL LIKE YOURE SCREAMING IT OUT AND MAKING THEM SWALLOW IT.]

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I’m always exhausted but energetic (don’t ask), does it help if I assure you this…?

what ever questions you have for me, ask. Or to the extent you can’t, please put yourself in my shoe and answer em, with my character, mentality and trust, what would you feel? coz if u ever wonder, the least we have in common is that we’re still human? But knowing there’s more there, … Perhaps no percentage can be as close a guess than that...

we always understood.

but im ere. And world, i want you to realize that I understand: Everything about u, with you, around you and in you… if you wanted me to, . All those sorrowful words were removed from my dictionary, I told myself I never needed to feel that way again after all the shit that happened, and on top of that- you. No I don’t deserve it, and if you tell yourself that too, you would do something about it as I have since. It never matter what,

but just do something, anything…
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what’s yours will always be yours, I mean…  “would u LET anyone hold u imprisoned no matter what chu’ve done for how ever long, with wtv reason? [ maybe that’s what it feels like for me once] but I kno I would shoot, kill and escape, to the extreme craze after the longest lock down!” monkey business. You have options, there’s always options. always. Maybe not now but soon. Don’t wait for it, like love, don’t expect it- it comes naturally =)

Sometimes …

people should be selfish, they should pick what to know or what does them no use and not to know,
Presence is one, but have you ever tried feeling sad with them and not for them?That’s louder than presence itself, Its nature’s way of resolving “grief”-opened gates, letting the river gush it all out at once…a spiritual shoulder, perhaps. Just know that home is close, and where to find a light when it gets too blind. You feel hopeless because u forgotten about mind over matter,  if humanity acted the
same way, they would have the same mentality…the mind made us more,
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My life so far is planned too but recently I’m the director, I don’t give a damn- like I don’t take shit unless they’re really good for me. So this is it, what I want… and if I can be the almost 18 year old(almost forgot) who systematically installed this perfect way of thinking, when I age wiser, there’d just be nothing there left to kill me or for me left to kill. Life is simple when you’re clear of what you expect, for me it’s always been fulfillment, even now, I’m happy writing, doubt your happy reading, grown old from this year heh, but even yesterday I could dream as much as I want and STILL DO WHAT  I HAD TO DO, the rush and adrenaline dying / bring it MODE. So I always remembered
this scream slash bitch slap rawrr!@#$%Q@W#$% I dedicated to wtv out there that tries and stop me, :

“…DEAR, DEAREST FUCKING world, if it wasn’t for me, you’re empty, I don’t care what you want, but its either two way or nothing, coz four words exist:”I rather die trying”, learn compromise and snap out of your commander mode, I’m the boss of me”

Rawr, it works for me this way :) & Perhaps me only… but it’s in every person, if they confront them, just think it cause you don’t have to ask it. I don’t know but… I know you’re be okay because you know enough, but I don’t know what you’d do, so surprise yourself too.

17th jan, 12am- 04:10, this is for you.

I still kill. eevrything. me, them all.

“we want what we don’t have, and blinded by what is given- to see or not to see” either  way there’s
no respect to appreaciation. Why wont we do it justice? To appreciate present.  I mean it is a present:) …

so to summarize, you know the answers to your welfare, that I’m certain. IF YOU LET IT.
And sometimes there’s just no need to predict, so trust that nature will shape itself, beautify every ugly
situation, maybe that could just bring out the pretty in you, mind over matter =) if you can keep on till today, what makes you think you cant keep on till your half a decade worth of oldness :)? Theres too much beauty in everything to waste, don’t let “instinct” down. x

lvlL.