" Some Things I Never Thought I'd Say. "

Dedicated to the ones i love:
" Some Things I Never Thought I'd Say. "

"if you admit to defeat , you await lost.
if you accept compliments, your esteem stops you from improvement.
if you accept start, it invites end.
if you tell someone you love them,
reality lessens it's meaning- and slowly lead to the opposite.
its like as long as u know it.nothing matters.
cause sharing invites judgement."
so if you want neutrality, don't fucking move.-lvL

20th May 2011; Friday 10:00PM ;

" Without Expression, I'm not Michelle Lee"

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7th May 2011

11:37:13 PM  

                               
L to B

I do assume you wouldn't receieve this anytime soon but...
i have some things i just can hold in any much longer.
every day worth of ur absence feels like a week to me,
and a month felt like a year.to the extent i had to lie to myself
that you were gone forever to break my night storms even.

Even so, i just want to thank you..
"Better in time"- leona lewis.
every word dear brother, lover , friend.
i hope u understand.
Cause i'm really really working on it...
you've consumed too much in my life,
but i just wanna see what its like to contradict that.

[ perhaps i can lie to myself for only "this long"
and one day realise, play times over, that you're still home]
Milk, would you give u present a chance as i give syl mine?

because you're wonderful.

and they may need you. [ i'm you too.]
[ i've been experimenting with the unusual
approaches,so hope you'd understand that
i'm a lil unstable/not my self lately]
but i know our dominant thoughts wont change,
when the finish line proves our state worthy,
i will save you. Just call my name.I'm sorry for all this,
but i'm claustrophobic. Help us face our demons...
Finally: Your spirit is family. Dont ever forget that.
Things are different now, cause the worst HAS to
meet its end, or its the cost of my life.
[& i'm sorry you have to put up with me...]
The goal : "Milk Bapes" these two words will
NOT send chills down my spine but serenity
and contentment in mind.Due: 09.10.11
[and thats our FUCKING SUNDAY]good heavens.

_____________________________________________________________________

Before i work all night tonight for my first time, without chu, as my release as my will, i need to re-assure my self one thing or i can never be clear of my mind. It may seemed to be "bugging" but perhaps worst, and till now I've realized my consciousness was stolen away from the visions and visualizations I've had, hoping it may one day paint me reality. Him, MB.stoled, killed, created, resolved, related. any action word you can think of , symbolic to everything anything without action it self've taken place. How can one's absence and nothingness play such a role as if juxtaposed by my every move? First of all, i want my fucking self back- confident,my own inner & outer orchestra, my own government, my own bible, my independence. So yes i admit love has shook all i ever was. Yes its as invisible as the ghosts amongst us, powerfully unpredictable,
of forces and motion. But this ghost is in our dimensional world and not in another of their own, so don't disrespect it.Cause It will love you if you don't harm it, it will harm you if you bug it.Stand still, pretend, bite.

Love is the ghosts in our very own dimension.Our world, so don't push it. although only some are clear
about some things but am i? ...  Syl and i? MB? Family? Who am i? People interpret it as they see it. But its more than meets the eye. What am i. I haven't changed into the:  different. I've alter, I've realized, I'm Michelle Meredith Lee, soon who does not need her family to take hold in between the two roles that i play, who once were Michelle Lee Meredith. I must grow. I must need me to need none. I must mustn't fail, despite obstacles, distractions or truth, because mercy there's none.

NOTE TO SELF: there may be times you tend to fly, fall , or burn for a lil while, but ...
Just like any other play time, when you dreamed enough, wished enough, doubted enough, burnt enough... dont forget to come home and be your very self . Cause in this world, only you belong to you. The rest will come and go, unless one is ready to give it all up for you and you are ready to give it all up for that one very person.  Just don't hide any more. The game is getting old, yet only young ones know. Cause you know who you love. You know who you'll hurt. You know what you can do, and finally you know want you've always wanted. Because in your world its all about you. and everything else such as them, him, her, it, they... are illusions in you way. Fight it, because nothing can stand in your strive to want the world.

I don't want to run anymore. I don't care how much it hurts. I don't wanna care how many I've killed. Cause if i was once a saint , I always am, yet another, too a sinner will always be. So what reality does this change. what mend can this make? If I'm partial human, and i can handle it, I'm sure you can too, so don't worry about breakage. You're stronger than you think, so let pain snap you out of it.

I've talk with this friend of mine recently, it went from public conversation to Dnm-ing lively, depthful personal exchanges.There, there was three. Truth be told they was only two. i play the role of two in one personality and character.With another that share total opposition. Conclusion realizes that I have always belonged to me. and no one else could have me lie my lifetime away to teach what cant be taught. I is MB, I is Me.

Situations and outcomes:
MS:   M losses, S wins
MM:   MM wins
ML.End:   M & S loses.
M. end; M. end; S. end:   All loses.
Is there an outcome where three of those letters win?

I've dreamed. To the other half of me :
Perhaps if i dint matter enough, My happiness is yours.
Perhaps if yours' dint matter enough, your happiness is mine.
Perhaps if his dint matter enough, our happiness is ours.

But at the end of the day, i know i can handle any outcome despite the cost of my lifetime or happiness it self. Because I've done it before and I'll do it again for you both and all. Because i wont matter enough to be the reason behind all the breakage I've caused to all. Because I could save more to hurt than to love more to heal.

This 2015 dream, To the future:
I picture a beautiful wedding dress. I picture a handsome wise prince, I picture their hands
held walking up a perfect grand stairwell, Gothic renaissance themed, with golden masks
held. Her hair was brunette and so was his, hers of locked curls with winds blowing on his ,
they looked content caused perhaps that was all i could give. And here another pair of
perfection stride another, they were glowing up along with the same red carpet,to one of
those same steps, four of those who I've givne peace, but two of those who my love
would never drift. To Milk Bapes and Sylvester Naing. I will be at your wedding. I will be there
for you both, as long as i live. "Look back at me, but i'll tell you this time how beautiful
things 'd be" Cause if it was once, its always have, and will always be" Milk i love you,
my undivided self. Syl, I love you, gently x

I'm great at the character play, the masks i wear, the things i say, the games i lay,
but at the end of the day, none'd know who i am, because none needed to,
but i myself who's never in turn be anyone's night or day. I don't matter,
cause I've always and only deserved being Okay. This is me as
the role of Santa, gifting what all deserves.
Santa had never gotten presents,
because your happiness is his.
Blesses the beauty within
all hearts as i believe
in each & every
one of these.
Sincerely,
LvlL +End.
______________________A Toast, To Love. From All, To All Blesses...________________

________________Since 2010 . March , May.  Thanks for everything.____________