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drealvloud. x

dreamt too loud, they heard me.

 

. . . and crushed my dreams.

lvL.

The day i never thought will come. FATE

1st May 2012.12:00PM.

FATE BROUGHT ME TO YOU
TO DO MY SELF JUSTICE:

10:00PM 30th April : My gut is filled with swear words

(How was i warned to be angry before anything happened?) FATE

I was up all night.
Mixed Emotions, tired, lost, Searching.And for once..
I was searching for inspiration.

I WAS UP ALLLL FUCKING NIGHT.
Literally, it has been at least 24hrs.
AND i found you.

J-A-C-K-P-O-T.

Anger and Excitement all in one.
With hate in my gut,
shaking my head & laughing under my breath.
I was about to be on my knees to my twin.
But i guess I'm the ONLY KING in this KINGDOM.
Son, You got nothing on me.E.v.e.r.

.5/1/2012.10:59:31 AM.

M: I'm fine with the truth, you just cant.
 Last chance: If you don't say anything by Sunday,
l'm burning everything

L.
Dont come back.

WITH ALL I HAVE LEFT,
I will learn to live honestly.
because i'm doing me. but you aint.
________________________________________________

Wasted Dreams.

Click 1# i have the urge to seek for something to distract my thoughts. and i cant seem to stay still. Every sentence i type on this page is every click i come back for not being able to focus or give my whole self to the subject...he said: " you stopped telling stories about yourself". And i thought to my self: " because nobody cares."...

Click2# I'm ashamed by the fact that i want to close my eyes even when i aint tired, just to dream of better things that reality cannot portray. At the same time aware that if nothing is done in reality, nothing changes...

Click4# and i still cant concentrate. Love? Romance? Perhaps my love isn't of faith and true will but of disappointment and habitual reenactment.

"A guy's biggest mistake is giving another man the opportunity to make his woman smile"-HpLyrikz " A woman's biggest idiotic mistake is giving the guy everything he never deserved"-lvL
 
And i told my self not to be stupid. Because they aren't as great as what you drawn in your mind, whom you wish was a fantasy figure in reality. They are only great because of your optimistic, giving self who enhanced their biography for you to believe they were more than who they were far from. They are stupid for not appreciating you. And you're stupid for giving. This formula might just equal 0. Cause there was nothing to begin with. You should be angry and disappointed. But at least its night time and you are alone with the truth where no one can get a hold of. You're facing what they cant stop. Its May.
 

The dream: A man who......

would only live and die for the same woman.
But he wouldn't.
...know what love means and puts sex last because your love is beyond all. But he never will.

...loves him self as much as he loves his woman because there is respect.
But there isn't.
...is spiritually driven, mentally strong but emotionally open. But he's not.
...can ignore the world because you are his universe. But he can't.
...sees what your eyes sees and speaks what your lip speaks.
But he doesn't.
...values romance and treat everyday like the first date.
But he doesn't care.
...knows its meant to be and fights for your smile every single day.
But he's over it.
...doesn't know he is beautiful because he is still nervous around you after a long time being together. But apparently not.
...embraces the present with you until present was the day you grew old together.
But he worries about his future.
...told you he cant buy time but stops it instead.
But it doesn't cross his mind.
...could try to be superman even if it was difficult.
But he doubts.
...could live with you like you never lived give like you've never given.
But he couldn't.
...who defines freedom yet give you all he' is until you mastered to fly without wings.
But he isn't.


Most importantly, the man of my dreams could only grant me one wish.
 His heart, not his brain. But he dint. 2am. And I'm dreaming with my eyes open.

Click 3# I'm fighting with myself. Why? I wish he was here. Why? because i trusted him. But... he would say: " I'm Not, superman, its late". That is when i knew. He was not the figure in my dreams. Because he thought of the world. Not me.

Its 3:33AM. And its still not easy.

dealvLoud.

Gut.

Its 26th of April 2012. Once 25th just hours ago.
Yes, I'm saying times flying. But i ain't even ready to even run yet, it wants me to fly.

I'm going crazy. And i'm here. I trust here, but not anyone or anywhere.
I need.

Things are getting tight.
and I NEED to be amazing for it to work.

I'm not sure but i'm trying to trust my gut.

But its asking me to wait. The Questions is should i follow or challenge.

I'll give my self another 10 hours.

I'll be back.


lvL.

.

drop the world

11/10/11

we only live it once.

the future can shape it self.

just walk with me

fall with me.

escalate with me. leave earth.

and drop the world with me

Make Hell, Earth.

21.03.2012.Wednesday. 2:04PM.

Sly. Thank you.
i needed to stop running, and ere i be, facing.


I'm trying to fight the impossible.
i'm pulling burried treasures...
I'm reading...
I'm Feeling...
I've realized what i've been missin.
but its alright. Because i know now,
like i've always been, and knew.


A favourite written archived piece:

"I'd have to be strong. Stronger than a moutain..

To not crumble at the touch of your hands..I'd have to stop time.. To stop the love inside me..

to not reach each night for chu..

to not need chu like i do..

I'd have to be superhuman..

made out of stone, made out of steel;
To not feel what i feel.

To not love chu..

I'd have to have the strength of ten men.
To ever resist a love strong as this..

To not care like i do..

I'd have to be superhuman.

So, i'm sorry im not.
cause the truth is, I'm only motivated because there
are such hopes of inspiration walking in human form
on earth. Or perhaps just the thought that maybe
just maybe something,someone in a different space
and time, and i could feel alive again.

I'm making hell, earth.

lvL.

It've Been.

It has been a long time since i was in this place. I need here.

I need.

my self.

I need to learn to speak again. I couldnt fight it, i cant see it clearly anymore, my lies been the truest lately. "Sometimes it last. . . but sometimes it hurts instead".

I will pick myself up again.

I m Hollow.

But i will work on it. Just wait.

"Someday soon
You’re gonna catch that dream you’ve been chasing
Someday soon
They’re gonna write your name in the sky
All you need is just to believe it
You know you’re my hero
You’re gonna be a star tonight"

eyes shut. breathe.

12.02.2012. Sundays, that i miss.

" Some Things I Never Thought I'd Say. "

Dedicated to the ones i love:
" Some Things I Never Thought I'd Say. "

"if you admit to defeat , you await lost.
if you accept compliments, your esteem stops you from improvement.
if you accept start, it invites end.
if you tell someone you love them,
reality lessens it's meaning- and slowly lead to the opposite.
its like as long as u know it.nothing matters.
cause sharing invites judgement."
so if you want neutrality, don't fucking move.-lvL

20th May 2011; Friday 10:00PM ;

" Without Expression, I'm not Michelle Lee"

______________________________________________________________________

7th May 2011

11:37:13 PM  

                               
L to B

I do assume you wouldn't receieve this anytime soon but...
i have some things i just can hold in any much longer.
every day worth of ur absence feels like a week to me,
and a month felt like a year.to the extent i had to lie to myself
that you were gone forever to break my night storms even.

Even so, i just want to thank you..
"Better in time"- leona lewis.
every word dear brother, lover , friend.
i hope u understand.
Cause i'm really really working on it...
you've consumed too much in my life,
but i just wanna see what its like to contradict that.

[ perhaps i can lie to myself for only "this long"
and one day realise, play times over, that you're still home]
Milk, would you give u present a chance as i give syl mine?

because you're wonderful.

and they may need you. [ i'm you too.]
[ i've been experimenting with the unusual
approaches,so hope you'd understand that
i'm a lil unstable/not my self lately]
but i know our dominant thoughts wont change,
when the finish line proves our state worthy,
i will save you. Just call my name.I'm sorry for all this,
but i'm claustrophobic. Help us face our demons...
Finally: Your spirit is family. Dont ever forget that.
Things are different now, cause the worst HAS to
meet its end, or its the cost of my life.
[& i'm sorry you have to put up with me...]
The goal : "Milk Bapes" these two words will
NOT send chills down my spine but serenity
and contentment in mind.Due: 09.10.11
[and thats our FUCKING SUNDAY]good heavens.

_____________________________________________________________________

Before i work all night tonight for my first time, without chu, as my release as my will, i need to re-assure my self one thing or i can never be clear of my mind. It may seemed to be "bugging" but perhaps worst, and till now I've realized my consciousness was stolen away from the visions and visualizations I've had, hoping it may one day paint me reality. Him, MB.stoled, killed, created, resolved, related. any action word you can think of , symbolic to everything anything without action it self've taken place. How can one's absence and nothingness play such a role as if juxtaposed by my every move? First of all, i want my fucking self back- confident,my own inner & outer orchestra, my own government, my own bible, my independence. So yes i admit love has shook all i ever was. Yes its as invisible as the ghosts amongst us, powerfully unpredictable,
of forces and motion. But this ghost is in our dimensional world and not in another of their own, so don't disrespect it.Cause It will love you if you don't harm it, it will harm you if you bug it.Stand still, pretend, bite.

Love is the ghosts in our very own dimension.Our world, so don't push it. although only some are clear
about some things but am i? ...  Syl and i? MB? Family? Who am i? People interpret it as they see it. But its more than meets the eye. What am i. I haven't changed into the:  different. I've alter, I've realized, I'm Michelle Meredith Lee, soon who does not need her family to take hold in between the two roles that i play, who once were Michelle Lee Meredith. I must grow. I must need me to need none. I must mustn't fail, despite obstacles, distractions or truth, because mercy there's none.

NOTE TO SELF: there may be times you tend to fly, fall , or burn for a lil while, but ...
Just like any other play time, when you dreamed enough, wished enough, doubted enough, burnt enough... dont forget to come home and be your very self . Cause in this world, only you belong to you. The rest will come and go, unless one is ready to give it all up for you and you are ready to give it all up for that one very person.  Just don't hide any more. The game is getting old, yet only young ones know. Cause you know who you love. You know who you'll hurt. You know what you can do, and finally you know want you've always wanted. Because in your world its all about you. and everything else such as them, him, her, it, they... are illusions in you way. Fight it, because nothing can stand in your strive to want the world.

I don't want to run anymore. I don't care how much it hurts. I don't wanna care how many I've killed. Cause if i was once a saint , I always am, yet another, too a sinner will always be. So what reality does this change. what mend can this make? If I'm partial human, and i can handle it, I'm sure you can too, so don't worry about breakage. You're stronger than you think, so let pain snap you out of it.

I've talk with this friend of mine recently, it went from public conversation to Dnm-ing lively, depthful personal exchanges.There, there was three. Truth be told they was only two. i play the role of two in one personality and character.With another that share total opposition. Conclusion realizes that I have always belonged to me. and no one else could have me lie my lifetime away to teach what cant be taught. I is MB, I is Me.

Situations and outcomes:
MS:   M losses, S wins
MM:   MM wins
ML.End:   M & S loses.
M. end; M. end; S. end:   All loses.
Is there an outcome where three of those letters win?

I've dreamed. To the other half of me :
Perhaps if i dint matter enough, My happiness is yours.
Perhaps if yours' dint matter enough, your happiness is mine.
Perhaps if his dint matter enough, our happiness is ours.

But at the end of the day, i know i can handle any outcome despite the cost of my lifetime or happiness it self. Because I've done it before and I'll do it again for you both and all. Because i wont matter enough to be the reason behind all the breakage I've caused to all. Because I could save more to hurt than to love more to heal.

This 2015 dream, To the future:
I picture a beautiful wedding dress. I picture a handsome wise prince, I picture their hands
held walking up a perfect grand stairwell, Gothic renaissance themed, with golden masks
held. Her hair was brunette and so was his, hers of locked curls with winds blowing on his ,
they looked content caused perhaps that was all i could give. And here another pair of
perfection stride another, they were glowing up along with the same red carpet,to one of
those same steps, four of those who I've givne peace, but two of those who my love
would never drift. To Milk Bapes and Sylvester Naing. I will be at your wedding. I will be there
for you both, as long as i live. "Look back at me, but i'll tell you this time how beautiful
things 'd be" Cause if it was once, its always have, and will always be" Milk i love you,
my undivided self. Syl, I love you, gently x

I'm great at the character play, the masks i wear, the things i say, the games i lay,
but at the end of the day, none'd know who i am, because none needed to,
but i myself who's never in turn be anyone's night or day. I don't matter,
cause I've always and only deserved being Okay. This is me as
the role of Santa, gifting what all deserves.
Santa had never gotten presents,
because your happiness is his.
Blesses the beauty within
all hearts as i believe
in each & every
one of these.
Sincerely,
LvlL +End.
______________________A Toast, To Love. From All, To All Blesses...________________

________________Since 2010 . March , May.  Thanks for everything.____________

Screaming Her Words To The World.

. L A D Y . G A G A .

________________________________________________________


"Some women choose to follow men,
and some women choose to follow their dreams.
If you're wondering which way to go,
remember that your career will never wake up
and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore."
________________________________________________________

"I'm obsessively opposed to the typical."
________________________________________________________

"You laugh at me because I'm different.
I laugh at you're all the same"
________________________________________________________

"I'll bring him down,A King with no crown." ________________________________________________________

"They can't scare me, if I scare them first."
________________________________________________________

"... I want the deepest, darkest,
sickest parts of you that you are afraid
to share with anyone because I love you that much."
________________________________________________________

"I'd wear any of my private attire for the world to see.
But I would rather have an open flesh wound
than ever wear a band aid in public."
________________________________________________________

"Do not allow people to dim your shine because
they are blinded. Tell them to put on some sunglasses,
Because we were born this way bitch!"

. L A D Y . G A G A .

________________________________________________________

HKTY

. HELLO KITTY. DEAR DANIEL .

The joy they bring painted her a smile.

"They're still going strong, HEH how cute :)"
"Kitty can bake delicious cookies and Dear Daniel
known kitty since they were babies. HEH.
Sounds familiar to something stupid =) xo"